"This film looks black and white but it's not, I think it looks like that because all the people are black and everything else is kinda white."

"I will tell you about last night when I see ya, but put it this way, my house is covered in blood."

What a lovely message to receive on Facebook on a Sunday morning.

"Recording your voice in the shower gives you the real effect of rain."

Could just use a rain effect.

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"There's many shit lyricals like."

Engel doesn't appreciate Katy Perry's lyrics in California Gurls.

"You can put money in the bank?!"

Ian was shocked to learn you can deposit money into a bank account. I don't know how someone goes nearly 21 years without learning this.

"It's on Google you know. It's canny cool that, I'm on Google."

He's realized that he's slowly climbing the ladder to superstardom.

"Gary, your bed is the only place I feel relaxed enough to crap."

Thanks for inspiring this one Jamie T.

"Cool. Awesome. Smouldering. Spicy."

Ian's favourite adjectives.

"I think we should try and take that Ben Nevis."

Ian was caught whispering (loudly) this to someone, it turns out he'd saw a bottle with 'Ben Nevis' on, we all assumed he was trying to rally people to invade the mountain.

"It's full of chinese people over there."

Ian talking about Canada.

"Sometimes when I'm at work I shit myself on the table."

Dirty little secret.

"I want to go to the shops to buy a chips."

Ian speak bad.

"If you get relegated from the Premiership does that mean you're no longer a professional footballer?"

Ian must think all the Newcastle United players have took on second jobs just to get by.

"There's no such thing as ginger pride because if gingers can have pride then gays can have pride and if gays have pride then I'll die."

As a ginger, I'm glad gays have pride, because that means Ian will die apparently.

"I was twelve years old and I kissed a wimmun."

In relation to his romantic experience in a field in France. 'Wimmum' means woman, I hope anyway.

"When I was young I used to hide in trees and kick people with conkers."

Ian Engelbrecht, king of the jungle.

"I used to be an 11 but my feet shrank."

Apparently his feet have gone from size 11 to size 8. Even his feet are stupid.

"How long does it take to dry? I wanna do stuff with my fingers."

He got his nails painted, because he's a woman.

"The world is a big cheese sandwich and it's all mine!"

Ian must have been having a good day.

"Did you know that trees take in carbon dixoide, and give out oxygen, and that's how we are alive?"

A lesson in science with Ian Engelbrecht.

"I used to think I could make it rain with my eyes."

When Ian was younger he saw Rain Man and thought that he could make it rain, and actually tried to do so.

"Ah man my cock's feeling like it needs to get wet."

I completely understood this feeling, but he actually just meant he needed a piss.

"When you see that meat who you gonna call? Meatbuster."

A clever (well...) take on the Ghostbusters theme song relating to a chicken pizza I bought at Pizza Knights.

"I feel like a blue Smartie, all crazy inside."

Funny thing is it's the outer coating that is supposed to be the 'crazy' part of blue Smarties.

"I wish I could sleep inside out."

Ian said this after Phil said to Jack, "You look so comfortable, I just wish I could sleep inside you" at Campbell's house.

"This song makes me want to sleep in a field, in France."

The song was 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins, it turns out he had a romantic turning point in his life listening to this song in a field in France.

"Fucking hell, I can see in the dark with my ears."

This is just plain stupid really.

"I'm sick of my right arm being bigger than my left arm."

Engel discussing the effects of masturbation on his body.

"If people are stupid enough to believe in Jesus then they're stupid enough to believe in Engel."

Ian thinks he can become the next Jesus, but I think he's too stupid to gain a loyal following, although this blog does get quite a few compliments...

"If you're friends you're family, and if you're family you can fuck."

I don't actually know what to say about this one, Ian can be pretty sick when he wants to be.

"If you were inside my head it would all make sense."

Speaks for itself really.

"By the time I die I wanna have 5,000 friends on Facebook and know them all. And a car."

Ian has some fantastic life ambitions.